I have been getting a little bored and restless ever since the onset of my newfound abundance of free time (graduation is just oh so swell, no?) So I thought... let's get this blog going!
Here's a short essay, perhaps the prelude to a series I can compile over the oncoming months. Take it or leave it. There's definitely going to be more where this is coming from...
Single Girl Manifesto I can’t decide if I’ve matured or regressed. Whoever said you have to (or actually do) “grow up” once you graduate is a fucking liar. Sure, you have a job, a home, you live your own life. But what does that mean in the end anyway? Even though I walk in an adult’s shoes, my soul occupies the body of a child, or better yet a novice. I think I’ve “grown” up in this backwards sort of way. And I only think this because of my relationship track record.
You see, I’m a serial monogamist of the rarest variety. I enter deep into long-term relationships. However, once the m-bomb (as I like to call it) is dropped, I freak out, desire the “single” life, and end the relationship. It’s ironic that I desire to live a “single” life because I’ve never really done it before. My longest relationship was 3 years, my shortest 10 months. I’ve pretty much gone from relationship to relationship the moment I started dating, and in between relationships I have never really actively pursued anyone. Of course, one would think the fears of marriage would lead to an avoidance of long-term relationships. Nope. Not for me. Told you it was backwards. In the onset of my three relationships, I immediately envisioned a future together with the person. But it was merely a pipe dream, a tiny theory I entertained that told me that I could partake in a long-term relationship with this person. There’s something about the mutual acknowledgement that prods me to jump ship, and want to envision instead a single life.
This past 5-month span has been the longest I’ve ever been single since I delved into the messy realm of love. Considering my track record, there are a lot of things about “being single” I don’t quite know about. I don’t understand what “playing the field” is. I’m learning all over again how to interact with people, and it just makes me question my maturity, my progress. You’re supposed to start with frivolous dating and end with something serious. Now that I’ve begun establishing my own life, I oddly enough want to be frivolous instead. What the fuck is wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me?
In any case, my recent singledom has been an interesting adventure thus far. I’ve begun to pinpoint a few things over the course of five months. I know I can never be the girl to embrace the pseudo-feminine empowerment of the Sex and the City culture. I know that I don’t want to just hook up with random guys. I don’t need those legendary one-night stand stories to make my single life fulfilling. What’s basically up in the air is figuring out who I am when it comes to love. I have previously defined myself according to who I had previously dated. You’d think by now I’d have steady footing on my own identity in a relationship. I thought I did. But if I can’t even figure out who I am by myself, I can never be who I am with someone else. But I’m starting to figure it out. “Dating around” or whatever you call it will just feed into the process of self-definition.
So really, I’m single for me, because, despite all the other pieces falling into place, I still don’t know what I want or what I’m missing. I can’t say I’ve grown up any more or less from admitting this, but I suppose I’m just growing.
